Questions for the Doc

Do you have a problem or worry that you would like some advice on? If so, write us and one of our therapists will respond. Questions and their responses will be printed here (without full names).

Send us an e-mail with your question and your age.

Dear Doc,
I have an anger problem. I get suspicious sometimes that someone has
done something to hurt me (like tell someone a secret I shared with them), and my feelings get hurt, and I just start yelling at the person who hurt me, trying to make them go away. I know its not right to yell, and I really like or love the different people I yell at (even my sister's boyfriend), and it always makes things worse for me and for them after when I yell, and I always feel guilty or sick for yelling. I make promises to myself that I will never do it again, and promise it to the people who's feelings I hurt too. But the next time they do something that hurts or scares me, I just react without thinking and can't seem to stop myself. I just get so mad that someone I trusted hurt me, everything goes sort of gray and I start yelling loud!

How can I learn to control myself? Why do I yell when I know its dumb? Why do I do things I know are wrong, when I don't want to? Can I change myself to be a good person?

Very truly yours,
Dee
Age 15

Dear Dee,
I was really touched by your thoughtful letter. I want you to know that you can definitely change the way you handle your anger. I get the feeling that you make a very common mistake, which is to think people are saying bad things about you, and then to get really mad at the bad things you think they said or did. When that happens, it can feel like they really hurt you, even though you don't know for sure if they did anything at all. When people feel hurt, they naturally get fired up to either run away from what hurt them, or to fight back. You are fighting back against what you imagined has happened by yelling at the people you care about.

The first thing to do is to practice calming down before you do anything else. Breathe slowly and deeply for as long as it takes to feel calm. Think about several possible explanations for what happened other than that they were trying to hurt you. For example, two friends might whisper together while looking at you. This could mean they were planning to do something nice for your, or sharing a thought they wanted to tell you about later. Try to check things out with people first by asking them directly if you are concerned about their feelings towards you. This can prevent you from feeling hurt over nothing; or, if there is a problem, you'll have a chance to solve it together.

Don't get discouraged if it takes a lot of practice before this gets easy for you. If you keep practicing calming down first and then thinking positively about the problem before you act on it, you will get better and better at controlling yourself. Remember that you are a good person already! You are just trying to find a better way to manage angry and hurt feelings.

If these ideas don't help, ask an adult you trust for some other ideas and support. You can also see a counselor for more help if you need to.

Good luck, and thanks for writing!
Doc
(read more about the Doc here)

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